I have been posting a bunch of blogs which I typed out this afternoon, while listening to the Sunday Grace Christian Reformed Church service, over Skype. (The service cuts in and out, here and there, but I sure look forward to listening in when the opportunity presents itself.) There's something comforting about being part of the worship service across the many miles - hearing Pastor William's patient and learned voice, as he prays, or the chance to hear Doug's steady and wise words, if he happens to be the acting deacon (which he wasn't tonight - oops, I mean this morning - the 7 hour time difference just slipped me up!), or knowing that my sister, Lisa, is sitting with Myrna, and trying to scam peppermints even before the sermon has begun. Or imagining the various seating positions of my Grade 6 and 7 Church School students as they sit patiently through the whole service. Or thinking of Margaret Koomans, who is recovering from her recent surgery, and Ellen Vandersluis, as well as those who lost family members over the holidays - I know how deeply that hurts, how relationships can end so suddenly with words forever unsaid but never forgotten.
I could go on about how nice it is to think of my assembled friends - those from Coffee Break, the Jars of Clay Bible Study group (who celebrated the Christmas season by having an African dinner potluck), those who serve with me in the Education Committee, the Spiritual Gifts program or the Seeker Program - as well as everyone who has helped me during this trip, through financial or prayer support - I guess it boils down to the joy of being part of a Christian community, for the first time in my adult life.
I was reflecting on Jeff Bultje's comments about his trip to Haiti - the prayers that supported him, Alex and Nathan, and helped them to overcome difficulties associated with the conditions which plague Haiti - the earthquake and cholera, which has killed thousands of people already.
Even though I have been an active Christian since 2008, I will be the first to admit that I don't understand the power of prayer and find it difficult to say any prayers publicly. And my inward prayers seem well, like shadows of what prayer should be.
It's not that I don't know how powerful prayer is; I have experienced its power firsthand. But prayer is one of the spiritual disciplines which doesn't come naturally to me. Give me a good old fashioned fast any day - I can sink my teeth into that. Or an opportunity to read and study God's word, as natural as breathing. Solitude? - I am all over that one - a pro! Even service comes more natural to me than prayer.
In a way, I have credited this entire journey to Africa as a consequence of a prayer I made last year, perhaps as early as the summer of 2009 - and not one that centered on an overwhelming desire to perform mission work overseas! Rather, a prayer that my inner self would be able to change, to become more mature as a Christian. As difficult as it has been to change my outside, to lose (and even harder, keep off) weight and exercise regularly, those are insignificant challenges, compared to the difficulty of changing the inner self.
I ask myself, if I had known what changes would result from my prayers, would I have prayed with more or less fervor, more or less commitment to change? No answer seems forthcoming - I am, I am afraid to say, rather ambivalent. Part of me is content to be here - part of me misses my life back home - especially now that my son Brandon has returned to Chatham. I miss a life that seems to have changed so dramatically over the past year - and I'm no longer sure if the life I miss, will ever be mine again. Perhaps I am now missing an unrecreatable past - hoping to return to a memory?
It has been a year of loss, first, through my demotion at work, then the loss of my mother, in August, but also a year of joy, as my granddaughter Aaliyah arrived, only days after my mother's death. And when I think of others, those I know from church, from work, from my own family, I reflect that life's journey is never along a path that we designed for ourselves, but rather one that God has designed for each of us - full of surprises, and the worst surprises can also be the ones that our souls must desire, even as our minds and bodies protest. Those are the ones that forge us into the people we are, after all.
But please, God, no more surprises!
Anyhow, what I am really just trying to say is - thanks, in my rambly way. Prayer - what a gift it is to all of us. As I sit in Malawi, and observe the ebb and flow of life here, and the daily struggles that the poor and disabled face, it is in many ways easier to see the hand of evil, than the hand of God. How else do I even begin to explain what I observe here - other than to acknowledge that in this land, spiritual warfare is a reality. But then, when I think of North America, and my experiences in my life back home, I conclude that the warfare may take a different form in the west, but through lives shattered by violence, divorce and separation, obesity, alcohol and drug abuse, and materialism, the results are just as damaging. How else, but through prayer and faith in Christ, do we have hope? How else, but through Christ, do we find the strength to battle on, despite the circumstances we find ourselves in, both at home and far away. And for those who do it without that faith in things not seen, how lonely the battle must be.
Paul understood - "Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me." Philippians 4:11-13, ESV.
And as God strengthens us, we help strengthen each other, through prayer.
I resolve to be more conscientious in my prayers and in my study - to resettle my priorities, to learn more and deeper - which brings me to the scripture which Pastor William read to me during my Profession of Faith: And it is my prayer that your love may abound more and more, with knowledge and all discernment, so that you may approve what is excellent, and so be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God. Philippians 1:9-11.
Ah, but how to do that, really?
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